Laugh at Liberals Archive for May, 2004
If Patton Were President…
If General Patton were in office….
If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA today, this
would probably be his Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of the countries that stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need
help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call on France who, by the
way, best be taking care of the tens of thousands of American military
grave sites over there…from WWI and the great WWII.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes and solve
some local problems. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw
with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends
from the face of the earth, so help me God.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority: You boys work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I’m ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I
don’t give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. God, but I love New York.
That puts me wondering about the UN.
A special note to our neighbors to the north. Canada is on List 2. Since we
are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try
not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I’ll have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around real soon. Guess where I’m gonna put ‘em? Yep, border security…north and south. So start doing something smart with your oil.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare… and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying damn right.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending tons of our
hard-earned cash on other people’s problems.
I’m re-examining the need for so many of our servicemen and women to be stationed abroad. For over fifty years we’ve had a force of nearly forty
thousand Americans protecting South Korea’s border. In two months our Korean forces will be returning home. It’s about high time the Koreans learn to get along.
So, to the nations on List 1, a final thought: Thanks, we owe you one.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: Drop dead.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.
Zell Speaks For Me!
WASHINGTON - U.S. Senator Zell Miller (D-GA) delivered the following statement on the floor of the United States Senate addressing the situation at the Abu Ghraib prison.
“Mr. President, here we go again, here we go again. Rushing to give aid and comfort to the enemy. Pushing and pulling and shoving and leaping over one another to assign blame and point the finger at America the Terrible. Lining up in long lines at the microphones to offer apologies to those poor, pitiful Iraqi prisoners.
“Of course, I do not condone all the things that went on in that prison, but I for one, Mr. President, refuse to join in this national Act of Contrition over it.
“Those who are wringing their hands and shouting so loudly for “heads to roll” over this seem to have conveniently overlooked the fact that someone’s head HAS rolled - that of another innocent American brutally murdered by terrorists.
“Why is it? Why is it that there’s more indignation over a photo of a prisoner with underwear on his head than over the video of a young American with no head at all? Why is it that some in this country still don’t get that we are at war? A war against terrorists who are plotting to kill us every day. Terrorists who will murder Americans at any time any place any chance they get.
“And yet here we are, America on its knees, in front of our enemy, begging for their forgiveness over the mistreatment of prisoners. Showing the enemy and the world once again how easily America can get sidetracked and how easily America can turn against it self.
“Yes, some of our soldiers went too far with their interrogation tactics and clearly were not properly trained to handle such duty. But the way to deal with this is with swift and sure punishment, and immediate and better training. There also needs to be more careful screening of who it is we put in these kinds of sensitive situations.
“And no one wants to hear this, Mr. President and I’m reluctant to say it. But there should also be some serious questioning of having male and female soldiers serving side by side in these kinds of military missions.
“But instead, I worry that the HWA - the Hand-Wringers of America - will add to their membership and continue to bash our country ad nauseam. And in doing so, hand over more innocent Americans to the enemy on a silver platter.
“So I stand with Senator Inhofe of Oklahoma, who stated that he’s “more outraged by the outrage” than by the treatment of those prisoners. More outraged by the outrage. It’s a good way of putting it. That’s exactly how this Senator from Georgia feels.”
Worst president in history?
One liberal recently claimed Bush was the worst president in U.S. history.
Liberals claim President Bush shouldn’t have started this war.
They complain about his prosecution of it.
There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq during the month of January…..
In the fair city of Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of January.
That’s just one American city folks, about as deadly as the entire war torn country of Iraq .
Worst president in history? Let’s see….
The following appeared in the Durham, NC local paper as a letter to the editor
This will put things in perspective:
Let’s clear up one point: President Bush didn’t start the war on terror.
Try to remember, it was started by terrorists BEFORE 9/11.
Let’s look at the “worst” president and mismanagement claims.
FDR…
led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us: Japan did.
From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year.
Truman… finished that war and started one in Korea, North Korea never attacked us.
From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,333 per year.
John F. Kennedy…
started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.
Vietnam never attacked us.
Johnson…
turned Vietnam into a quagmire.
From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year.
Clinton…
went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent,
Bosnia never attacked us.
He was offered Osama bin Laden’s head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing.
Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
In the two years since terrorists attacked us, President Bush has
liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.
Worst president in history? Come on!
The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but…
It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the
Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51 day operation.
We’ve been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!!!!
Our military is GREAT……..and so is our President!
New Stamp Problems
The USPS created a stamp w/a picture of Sen Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side.
Worried
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Mt. Washington, KY who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Morehead and one of my sisters, who lives in West Liberty,
is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Covington.
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at
Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is
currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Campton. She is a part time “working girl.”
All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. But…should I tell her about my cousin who is a Kerry supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
ROCK THE VOTE….TO THE RIGHT
I had to pass along this item from John McCaslin’s Inside the Beltway column. If this doesn’t restore your faith in the youth of today, nothing will.
Reaching people
Actress Drew Barrymore is filming a documentary aimed at persuading young people to vote. She recently happened upon members of the D.C. chapter of FreeRepublic.com, the conservative grass-roots network, as they conducted a Washington protest.
“Can I ask you guys a question?” Miss Barrymore said. “You come out and you protest. Do you feel that it makes a difference? Do you feel that you reach people?”
Group leader Kristinn Taylor answered: “We used to do this down at the White House every Saturday for a couple years when Bill Clinton was there. It goes like this” — and here Mr. Taylor turned to his fellow Freepers, to have them join in the chant. “You guys ready? One, two, three: ‘Bill Clinton, we have you surrounded! Drop the cigar, step away from the intern, and come out with your pants up.’ ”
“Wow,” said the actress.
“The first time we did that,” Mr. Taylor said, “the Secret Service officer who was working the gate started laughing so hard he doubled over and walked behind the guard shack to compose himself.”
God bless the children.
KerrySloganator.com
Create your very own expression of what John Kerry’s campaign poster should look like! There are also some really hilarious user-created slogans that speak volumes of truth about the real Kerry at kerrysloganator.com.
Three Hearts and You’re Home FREE!
The medical description of Kerry’s first wound.
Some critics of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry have questioned the circumstances surrounding the first of three Purple Hearts Kerry won in Vietnam. Those critics, among them some of Kerry’s fellow veterans, have suggested that a wound suffered by Kerry in December 1968 may have made him technically eligible for a Purple Heart but was not severe enough to warrant serious consideration, even for a decoration that was handed out by the thousands. Whatever the case, Kerry was awarded the Purple Heart, and, along with two others he won later, it allowed him to request to leave Vietnam before his tour of duty was finished.
Kerry was treated for the wound at a medical facility in Cam Ranh Bay. The doctor who treated Kerry, Louis Letson, is today a retired general practitioner in Alabama. Letson says he remembers his brief encounter with Kerry 35 years ago because “some of his crewmen related that Lt. Kerry had told them that he would be the next JFK from Massachusetts.” Letson says that last year, as the Democratic campaign began to heat up, he told friends that he remembered treating one of the candidates many years ago. In response to their questions, Letson says, he wrote down his recollections of the time. (Letson says he has had no contacts with anyone from the Bush campaign or the Republican party.) What follows is Letson’s memory, as he wrote it.
I have a very clear memory of an incident which occurred while I was the Medical Officer at Naval Support Facility, Cam Ranh Bay. John Kerry was a (jg), the OinC or skipper of a Swift boat, newly arrived in Vietnam. On the night of December 2, he was on patrol north of Cam Ranh, up near Nha Trang area. The next day he came to sick bay, the medical facility, for treatment of a wound that had occurred that night.
The story he told was different from what his crewmen had to say about that night. According to Kerry, they had been engaged in a fire fight, receiving small arms fire from on shore. He said that his injury resulted from this enemy action.
Some of his crew confided that they did not receive any fire from shore, but that Kerry had fired a mortar round at close range to some rocks on shore. The crewman thought that the injury was caused by a fragment ricocheting from that mortar round when it struck the rocks.
That seemed to fit the injury which I treated.
What I saw was a small piece of metal sticking very superficially in the skin of Kerry’s arm. The metal fragment measured about 1 cm. in length and was about 2 or 3 mm in diameter. It certainly did not look like a round from a rifle.
I simply removed the piece of metal by lifting it out of the skin with forceps. I doubt that it penetrated more than 3 or 4 mm. It did not require probing to find it, did not require any anesthesia to remove it, and did not require any sutures to close the wound.
The wound was covered with a bandaid.
No other injuries were reported and I do not recall that there was any reported damage to the boat.
SOME HELP FOR JOHN KERRY
President Bush has suffered the worst three months of his presidency, nay, any presidency….and John Kerry still can’t get any traction. So, as a civic minded person who enjoys a robust debate, I am offering my services as a campaign advisor.
GET A CAMPAIGN SONG
Kerry needs a catchy campaign song. Remember when Clinton used Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop(Thinking About Tomorrow)”. That was brilliant! My first suggestion would be “Anticipation”. That used to be the theme song for Heinz Ketchup because it took so long to get going. Fits, Huh? An alternative could be “The Way We Were” by Barbara Streisand. You know she’d let him use it royalty free and since Kerry can’t stop talking about a war that was over 30 years ago…
GO WITH THE LURCH LOOK
Come on face it. Kerry reminds you Lurch from Adams family so run with it. Have some fun. The next time Chris Matthews gives Kerry a softball question about some attack from Bush he should just do his best Lurch impersonation and go, “OhOhOhOhOhOh…” It would kill!
SHOOT AN ANIMAL ON LIVE TV
Kerry keeps saying that he’s been an avid hunter all his life in order to court the NRA vote. Okay. Prove it. Go on a hunting trip and invite Katie Couric from the Today show. Find a deer and blow the crap out of it. WAIT! THERE’S MORE! He should show Katie how to field dress it then he can score points with the meat packers union.
HAVE AN BIMBO ERUPTION
I don’t know why it worked for Clinton, but a lurid story about an intern and a ketchup bottle could just do the trick. Just think of all the jokes on late night TV. Plus, knocking off some strange might just help the old boy.
STOP SNOWBOARDING
If Kerry really wants to woo southern voters he needs to get off the slopes. We don’t do snow dude! Try something like bass fishing or softball or at the very least go to a NASCAR race.
RELISH THE “FLIP-FLOP” IMAGE
Kerry has been on every side of every issue and everybody knows it, so he should own it. The next time he does a campaign speach, he should wear flip-flop sandals. Subtle but effective. Better yet, he should paint one half of his face black and every time he’s asked a question that requires him to be on both sides of the issue, he should turn the white side to the camera first, then half way through slowly turn his head until the black side is facing the camera. At the same time talk he should start arguing the “other side” of the issue. (Hey, I’d laugh!)
FORGET THE LEFT, GO RIGHT
Kerry doesn’t need to pander to his base. They hate George Bush so much they would vote for a rock if they thought it could win. (Come to think of it, they just might.) So he should forget the issues near and dear to their heart and start pandering to the right. It may only take one big issue. For instance, if Kerry announced tomorrow that he has changed his mind on taxes and realized that John Kennedy was right, lower taxes are good for America, he’s going to get some of those swing voters.
AL SHARPTON, VICE PRESIDENT
Kerry said he wanted to be “the second black president”, (Clinton was the first, in case you didn’t know), so he should name Al Sharpton as his running mate. Hear me out on this. With Al Sharpton as your VP, NOBODY, and I mean nobody will pay any attention to anything you say, or for that matter anything Bush says. Sharpton will steal the show and if Kerry were to get elected, nobody would dare make an assasination attempt.
Hope all this helps.
