Laugh at Liberals

Good-Bye Mr. President

Most everybody has seen at least parts of the incredible ceremonies surrounding President Reagan’s funeral. Here are some of President Reagan’s more memorable quotes. And well…seeing how this site is suppose to be about laughing, included at the end are some of the great humerous quotes from the Gipper on America, freedom, and war. For those of you who were still kids when Reagan finished his term, these quotes will give you an idea about why conservatives hold Reagan in such high esteem.

Today we did what we had to do. They counted on America to be passive…….They counted wrong — Ronald Reagan

You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness. If we fail, at least let our children and our children’s children say of us we justified our brief moment here. We did all that could be done — Ronald Reagan

History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. — Ronald Reagan

The men of Normandy had faith that what they were doing was right, faith that they fought for all humanity, faith that a just God would grant them mercy on this beachhead or the next. It was the deep knowledge — and pray to God we have not lost it — that there is a profound moral difference between the use of force for liberation and the use of force for conquest — Ronald Reagan

Putting people first has always been Americas secret weapon. It’s the way we’ve kept the spirit of our revolutions alive a spirit that drives us to dream and dare, and take great risks for a greater good — Ronald Reagan

Regimes planted by bayonets do not take root — Ronald Reagan

America is too great for small dreams — Ronald Reagan

I’ve spoken of the shining city all my political life, but I don’t know if I ever quite communicated what I saw when I said it. But in my mind it was a tall, proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, windswept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace; a city with free ports that hummed with commerce and creativity. And if there had to be city walls, the walls had doors and the doors were open to anyone with the will and the heart to get here. That’s how I saw it, and see it still. — Ronald Reagan

And how stands the city on this winter night? More prosperous, more secure, and happier than it was 8 years ago. But more than that: After 200 years, two centuries, she still stands strong and true on the granite ridge, and her glow has held steady no matter what storm. And she’s still a beacon, still a magnet for all who must have freedom, for all the pilgrims from all the lost places who are hurtling through the darkness, toward home.” — Ronald Reagan

Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong — Ronald Reagan

We are especially not going to tolerate these attacks from outlaw states run by the strangest collection of misfits, Looney Tunes and squalid criminals since the advent of the Third Reich — Ronald Reagan

We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free — Ronald Reagan

They say the world has become too complex for simple answers. They are wrong. There are no easy answers, but there are simple answers. We must have the courage to do what we know is morally right. Winston Churchill said that “the destiny of man is not measured by material computation. When great forces are on the move in the world, we learn we are spirits — not animals.” And he said, “There is something going on in time and space, and beyond time and space, which, whether we like it or not, spells duty — Ronald Reagan

The ultimate determinate in the struggle now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas - a trial of spiritual resolve; the values we hold, the beliefs we cherish and the ideas to which we are dedicated — Ronald Reagan

A leader, once convinced a particular course of action is the right one, must have the determination to stick with it and be undaunted when the going gets rough — Ronald Reagan

I have seen the rise and fall of Nazi tyranny, the subsequent cold war and the nuclear nightmare that for fifty years haunted the dreams of children everywhere. During that time my generation defeated totalitarianism. As a result, your world is poised for better tomorrows. What will you do on your journey? — Ronald Reagan

No arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women — Ronald Reagan

The Democrats say that the United States has had its days in the sun, that our nation has passed its zenith. They expect you to tell your children that the American people no longer have the will to cope with their problems, that the future will be one of sacrifice and few opportunities. My fellow citizens, I utterly reject that view. — Ronald Reagan

I hope that when you’re my age you’ll be able to say, as I have been able to say: we lived in freedom, we lived lives that were a statement, not an apology — Ronald Reagan

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it was once like in the United States where men were free — Ronald Reagan

Millions of individuals making their own decisions in the marketplace will always allocate resources better than any centralized government planning process.

How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

If I could paraphrase a well-known statement by Will Rogers that he never met a man he didn’t like - I’m afraid we have some people around here who never met a tax they didn’t like.

Welfare’s purpose should be to eliminate, as far as possible, the need for its own existence.

The size of the federal budget is not an appropriate barometer of social conscience or charitable concern.

We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much.

We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free.

We will never forget them, nor the last time we saw them — this morning, as they prepared for their journey, and waved good-bye, and “slipped the surly bonds of earth” to “touch the face of God. (Speech about the Challenger disaster).

The years ahead will be great ones for our country, for the cause of freedom and the spread of civilization. The West will not contain Communism, it will transcend Communism. We will not bother to denounce it, we’ll dismiss it as a sad, bizarre chapter in human history whose last pages are even now being written.

The best social program is a productive job for anyone who’s willing to work.

Excellence demands competition. Without a race there can be no champion, no records broken, no excellence–in education or in any other walk of life.

The American dream is not that every man must be level with every other man. The American dream is that every man must be free to become whatever God intends he should become.

General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

We’re the party that wants to see an America in which people can still get rich.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

I hope we have once again reminded people that man is not free unless government is limited. There’s a clear cause and effect here that is as neat and predictable as a law of physics: as government expands, liberty contracts.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.

I hope you’re all Republicans. (to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt)

Our friends in the other party will never forgive us for our success, and are doing everything in their power to rewrite history. Listening to the liberals, you’d think that the 1980s were the worst period since the Great Depression, filled with suffering and despair. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting awfully tired of the whining voices from the White House these days. They’re claiming there was a decade of greed and neglect, but you and I know better than that. We were there.

Typical of his inner confidence and easy-going manner, Reagan loved jokes that poked fun at himself. But he also realized that a side benefit of self-deprecating humor, especially as he employed it, is its effectiveness in disarming criticism. When 1984 Democratic presidential nominee Walter Mondale accused Reagan of “government by amnesia,” the president countered with, “I thought that remark accusing me of having amnesia was uncalled for. I just wish I could remember who said it.”

When it became known that he would occasionally nod off at the White House during the day, he said, “I’ve given my aides instructions that if trouble breaks out in any of the world’s hot spots they should wake me up immediately — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” And, “Things have been awfully busy at the White House lately. I’ve really been burning the mid-day oil.”

He loved joking about his advanced age, once telling the White House Correspondents Dinner, “I’ve been around so long, I can remember when a hot story broke and reporters would run in yelling ‘Stop the chisels.’” And, “It was easier to run for president when I was a boy. Back then there were only 13 states.”

But he also used humor to engage the opponent head-on, for example when he told an audience, “The Democrats have a knee-jerk addition to tax increases, and every time their knee jerks, you get kicked.” And, “I’ve been losing weight on something called the Democrat Diet. The way it works is you only eat dessert on days when our opponents say something good about America.”

Cultural references were often the basis of Reagan’s humor, as when he said, “The other side’s promises are a little like Minnie Pearl’s hat. They both have big price tags hanging from them.” And, “If my opponent’s campaign were a TV show it would be ‘Let’s Make a Deal.’ You’d get to trade your prosperity for the surprise behind the curtain.”

Such lines appealed to Reagan’s instincts to go with humor that not only elicited a laugh from the audience, but also scored political points. And unlike many politicians, he could get away with delivering a partisan line without sounding mean, thanks to his twinkle-in-the-eye, tongue-in-cheek delivery. Although he employed his acting and communications skills throughout a speech, they really shot to the fore when he was delivering humor. His timing and “feel” for a joke, whether a one-liner or long form, made him a humor writer’s dream come true.
It was old-friend humor that came to the rescue, of course, when he was on the ropes after a poor showing against Mondale in their first debate in 1984. With the media speculating whether Reagan’s age had made him unfit for office, he put the issue to bed by unleashing, “I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” Mondale could only laugh along with the audience.

For all the hours of coaching and study that go into presidential debates, Reagan essentially won two of the three he participated in with humor, the one noted above and the debate with President Jimmy Carter with the simple but devastating line, “There you go again.”
In addition to his other achievements as president, Reagan put humor on the political map as both a campaign and governing tool, turning it from an ingredient that had been optional to one that was virtually mandatory. Seeing the way humor added to his appeal, politicians who followed in his wake realized the importance of being funny on a purpose for a change. But unlike Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton, whose use of humor often seemed less than heartfelt and somewhat mechanical, and George W. Bush, who is uncomfortable doing it, humor glowed from Reagan’s very soul.

I believe Ronald Reagan took pride in his ability to make people laugh. He once phoned to thank me for jokes I’d written for the Gridiron Dinner, an annual Washington event where the president is expected to be nothing but funny. He told me he did great, adding, “Next time you see Hope tell him he would have been jealous.”

Funny Quotes by President Ronald Reagan:

“My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.” joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”

Republicans believe every day is 4th of July, but Democrats believe every day is April 15.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”

The taxpayer - that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take a civil-service exam.

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’”

“Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries”

“I don’t know. I’ve never played a governor.” (asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be)

“Facts are stupid things.” (at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, “Facts are stubborn things”)

“Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.”

“All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.”

“There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears.” (on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968)

“You can tell a lot about a fella’s character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful.” (explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings)

“Honey, I forgot to duck.” -to his wife, Nancy, after surviving a 1981 assassination attempt - (He was quoting prizefighter Jack Dempsey, who had said the same thing to his own wife after losing the heavyweight championship to rival Gene Tunney in 1926.)

“I hope you’re all Republicans.” -speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following his assassination attempt

“The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity.” -responding to student protests on college campuses during his tenure as California governor

“Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let’s not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.”

“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

“We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we’re going to succeed.”-in his desire to downsize the government.

“As a matter of fact, Nancy never had any interest in politics or anything else when we got married.”

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.”

“I’m afraid I can’t use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill.” -refusing a gift of a mule

“What we have found in this country, and maybe we’re more aware of it now, is one problem that we’ve had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice.”

“How are you, Mr. Mayor? I’m glad to meet you. How are things in your city?” - greeting Samual Pierce, his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, during a White House reception for mayors

“My name is Ronald Reagan. What’s yours?” - introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, “I’m your son, Mike,” to which Reagan replied, “Oh, I didn’t recognize you.”

“Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing.”

“What does an actor know about politics?” - criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

“What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?” -on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

“How can a president not be an actor?” -when asked “How could an actor become president?’
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The first words he uttered upon regaining consciousness were to a nurse who happened to be holding the president’s hand. “Does Nancy know about us?” he quipped.

Reagan even found occasion to pay homage to W.C. Fields. When a nurse asked him how he was feeling, he responded, “All in all, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” (The original line, which Fields had proposed for his own epitaph, was: “On the whole, I would rather be in Philadelphia.”)

Asking Edwin Meese, his Attorney General, after recovering from surgery for the attempted assasination, “Who’s minding the store?”

“In closing, let me thank you, the American people, for giving me the great honor of allowing me to serve as your president. When the Lord calls me home, whenever that day may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future. I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead”. — Ronald Reagan

Good-Bye Mr. President.
We will miss you.