If Patton Were President…
If General Patton were in office….
If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA today, this
would probably be his Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of the countries that stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need
help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call on France who, by the
way, best be taking care of the tens of thousands of American military
grave sites over there…from WWI and the great WWII.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to cut taxes and solve
some local problems. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations: Screw
with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends
from the face of the earth, so help me God.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority: You boys work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I’m ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I
don’t give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets
tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. God, but I love New York.
That puts me wondering about the UN.
A special note to our neighbors to the north. Canada is on List 2. Since we
are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try
not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I’ll have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around real soon. Guess where I’m gonna put ‘em? Yep, border security…north and south. So start doing something smart with your oil.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare… and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying damn right.
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending tons of our
hard-earned cash on other people’s problems.
I’m re-examining the need for so many of our servicemen and women to be stationed abroad. For over fifty years we’ve had a force of nearly forty
thousand Americans protecting South Korea’s border. In two months our Korean forces will be returning home. It’s about high time the Koreans learn to get along.
So, to the nations on List 1, a final thought: Thanks, we owe you one.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: Drop dead.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.
Christina Miller Says: May 29th, 2004 at 6:13 pm
Ahaha! General Patton is the best. Very good!
Patton Says: June 4th, 2004 at 5:57 pm
Let the sonsabitches rot in hell.
Drew Miller Says: June 7th, 2004 at 2:30 am
Amen! Makes me wish Patton were alive today. Or anyone with the guts to do it.
fuji Says: June 7th, 2004 at 4:11 am
This article borders on psychosis. Threatening Mexico and Canada? They are the closest political allies we’ve ever had and they consistently bend over backwards for our exorbitant demands.
zack Says: June 9th, 2004 at 3:01 pm
fuji? Are you ok? I mean are you feeling dizzy, faint or is that just a stroke of liberal oozing out? Canada and Mexico bending over backwards for US??? Closest political allies??? Defending illegal border crossings, ignoring NAFTA regulations, turning their noses up at our request for assistance in Iraq, pretty-much NO border control. Where do most terrorist come across the border? It wouldn’t surprise me to see a billboard in Seria saying: Canada, Your Private Gateway Into The U.S. (just leave us alone). When is the last time EITHER country made a politial stand WITH the U.S.?
chris Says: June 9th, 2004 at 4:23 pm
That is so true I wish Patton was here to read this . He would have made a great President.
Thomas Davis Says: June 9th, 2004 at 5:06 pm
Recent events in Iraq should cause all of us to reflect on what the hell we Americans are doing there, and what we have done ourselves as a nation in this world community. In reading recent communications from my friends in which they say “God bless America, and let’s blow up the bastards…the Abu Ghraib prison disaster appears to be the genesis of our exit strategy from the failure of what the writers are saying that “freedom will prevail”. This moment in our history is our loss of moral authority and honor in the world. But, we don’t even get it. Thank God Patton is dead. George is doing bad enough.
Emory Says: June 9th, 2004 at 7:01 pm
A lot of Americans are reflecting on what we are doing in Iraq. You seem to be reflecting only on the negative things, not the positive things.
fuji Says: June 10th, 2004 at 3:03 pm
Canada is certianly one of America’s closest political and military allies. First, NORAD is a joint venture between Canada and America, and was our first line of defense against a Soviet nuclear strike. In fact, despite having a no-nuke policy, they allowed American missiles on Canadian soil until Prime Minister Trudeau removed them in 1983. The last time Canada made a political stand with the United States? In Afghanistan, Canadians were among the first to lend military support to the United States and JTF2 (the Canadian equivalent of the Navy Seals) were operating in Afghanistan in mid september of 2001. We killed four Canadians in a friendly fire strike in the summer of 2002 - Canada’s first combat deaths since the Korean war, and they still stood by us, despite widespread anger over the mishap. Canada also assumed leadership of NATO forces in Afghanistan, readily filling the void left by American troops moving to Iraq. JTF2 also secured Port-Au-Prince airport in America’s recent operations in Haiti. As for NAFTA, despite the softwood lumber fiasco (which is largely our fault), both liberal PM Paul Martin and Conservative candidate Stephen Harper are in favour of DEEPENING NAFTA ties, and Harper has even suggested a joint customs office. We shouldn’t be so quick to condemn Canada as some sort of socialist mischief maker and they are certianly not fair-weather friends.
fuji Says: June 10th, 2004 at 3:25 pm
Last time I went to Canada, which was in november of 2003, the border was only lax going INTO Canada. As should be obvious, it’s the America Customs Office that controls who gets in and out of the United States, and only the American Customs office can be held accountable for its’ failures.
Grunt Says: June 24th, 2004 at 9:41 am
“This article borders on psychosis. Threatening Mexico and Canada? They are the closest political allies we’ve ever had and they consistently bend over backwards for our exorbitant demands. ”
You really are blind and retarded arent you? What has canada ever done for us besides reap the benefits of being bordered with us? they are safe tucked under the blanket of freedom we provide them and they know it…
Grunt Says: June 25th, 2004 at 7:47 am
and dont forget the mexicans, who sneak into our homeland and reap the rewards of being well….mexicans. welfare should be stopped and all those that complain about it being stopped shot.
jay Says: July 3rd, 2004 at 6:19 pm
Sure, grunt…let’s see you give up your job to toil in the fields or work some sucky minimum-wage janitorial, food service, child care or landscaping job.
dj Says: July 6th, 2004 at 12:52 pm
Reply to Jay. I worked my way through college as a janitor. I took pride in a job well done. I then spent 22 years in the military. The key concepts here are WORK, PRIDE, and EDUCATION. Life is 10% the hand you are delt and 90% attitude!
GRUNT Says: July 10th, 2004 at 9:16 am
hey jay, i graduated highschool, served 7 years on active duty with the army, 3 with the 10th mountain division and 4 with the 101st airborne, as an infantryman. i now work for the state as a correctional officer. dont try to begin to explain to me about work ethic, anything is obtainable if you get off your lazy ass and just go for it. and mexicans can make a good life for thereselves here, if they do it legally.
dave Says: August 3rd, 2004 at 12:37 pm
is this it?
joe canuck Says: September 21st, 2004 at 6:42 pm
What has Canada ever done for you? Remember some American diplomats facing certain death in their embassy that were rescued by a Canadian diplomat at the risk of his own life? How about the US troops in Afghanistan who were being protected by Canadian snipers? How about the US ships in the gulf right now that have Canadian sub hunters with them AT THE REQUEST of the US? How about both World Wars when we were in and suffering heavy casualties while the US stood on the sidelines? How about Litton Systems that make the guidance systems for your cruise missiles? How about the Diefenbaker government scrapping the Avro Arrow when pressured by your government so as not to compete with the US warplanes? Most of the people from that program also went down to join NASA, so how about the space shuttle? Canadians also died in the World Trade Center. Canadians have stood by the United States in almost every stand they have taken. The United States has made war on Canada, remember 1812? You have also vowed to take over all or large parts of our land as shown in an old election slogan “54′40 or fight.” All of this and yet we still consider you friends. Remember, our government’s actions do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the average Canadian and several, including this one feel that not all of the recent decisions were correct. Sounds a bit like your own country.
00 CANUCK Says: September 29th, 2004 at 11:55 am
I have to go with Joe Canuck. The Canadians have won American War Medals, for our combined tasks in Military endevours. One source says that JTF 2 has worked with SEAL TEAM 6 and the British SAS. I hate to hear of this sleep safe at night under the protection of the Americans. The Americans cause a lot of their own problems, some times you forget the good ol’ red white and blue trained these middle eastern terrorists that have been causing all of the problems lately.
Anonymous Says: October 2nd, 2004 at 2:41 am
(in response to jay,#13)
jay-
I’m sick of people saying Americans are too lazy and stuck-up to pick cotton on plantations like mexican immigrants(mostly illegal). Americans would do those kind of jobs if the pay was decent. Americans are concerned for and responsible for the welfare of their families. They are so unselfish about the situation that they relize their family comes before doing whatever job you want, even if they love the job. It has nothing to do with laziness! It has everything to do with putting others before yourself.
Blazebattler Says: October 22nd, 2004 at 2:44 am
i think fugi might be gay? ha/ha/ha
Serbian National Says: November 3rd, 2004 at 6:48 pm
I’m sorry, but that sounds nothing like General Patton.
Not enough curses.
Celt Says: May 21st, 2005 at 7:32 am
I found this blog to say everyting I’ve said for years. It’s high time we quit giving out the hard earned cash, and jobs, to other countries that hate our “Capitalistic” ways. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Yet, the Liberals would have us bitten everyday, and say it’s something we did to get bitten. To hell with the countries that didn’t side with us, for they would be the first to call on us for help.
john Says: May 21st, 2005 at 6:15 pm
As our country honours the last of its four dead soldiers, we reprint a remarkable tribute to Canada’s record of
quiet valour in wartime that appeared in the Telegraph, one of Britain’s largest circulation newspapers.
- - -
LONDON-Until the deaths last week of four Canadian soldiers accidentally killed by a U.S. warplane in Afghanistan, probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops were deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will now bury its dead, just as the rest of the world as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.
It seems that Canada’s historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again. That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.
Yet its purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada’s entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during
the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.
Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular memory as somehow or other the work of the “British.” The Second World War provided a
re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world. The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the
previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated-a touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.
So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality-unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers. Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves-and are unheard by anyone else-that 1% of the world’s population has provided 10% of the world’s peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth- in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.
Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular non-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace-a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit. So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan?
Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun.
It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This week, four more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.
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Zach Says: June 3rd, 2005 at 4:07 am
Can’t we all just get along?…..
My God, what am I saying?!? I say we screw over any enemy of the U.S., Canada, and Great Britian….The list of countries that need to be screwed with are: France, Germany, and Russia…including Iran
Zach Says: June 3rd, 2005 at 9:27 pm
Hooah…..Canada deserves some more respect than it is given
Mr. Jack Says: June 4th, 2005 at 2:17 am
Hmmm, yes lets screw over our greatest allies, who with a combined force could easily overthrow the U.S, Good Job Zach.
Zach Says: June 4th, 2005 at 3:47 am
Um, I was joking the first time….then I forgot I posted on this topic and replied a second time by accident…..my fault and I take full responsibility
Suzanne Says: June 4th, 2005 at 5:01 am
Well, what do I write, other than you must be nuts.
We (America) has already made so many other countries hate us, hey you want all of them to hate us,
Good Job, isolation
Isolation from the world,The there will be an Isolated Religious Right, with Government Police, into family affairs, and in our church, but hey who cares, This is America right?
we do not need anyone else we can stand alone with God by our side.
Suzanne
getting a bit pissed off at the lack of understanding of the lack of caring about todays situtation in this country.
andrew linn Says: December 3rd, 2006 at 11:05 pm
So basically what you’re saying is that not supporting Americas attack on Iraq is tantamount to not supporting america at all, even its good endevors?
Wow. Thats stupid.
Qazar Al Hussien Says: February 29th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
So, most of the remarks are to the effect that, look so and so has done somethings some of the time. But regardless, The USA should look out for itself. and then after others have done all they can do, that is when others should help out… well I would type more but i need to get back to work
sapperton Says: March 14th, 2008 at 5:45 am
hey “grunt”is that your handle or is it just the noise you make when you attempt a rational thought??? if you had all the military experience you say ,then you would know how closely the canadian military and ours work together sounds to me like you never got past cub scouts