MARRIAGE-A-RONI: THE SAN FRANCISO TREAT
( A scene at City Hall in San Francisco )
CLERK: “Next.”
T&J: Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”
CLERK: “Names?”
T&J: “Tim and Jim Jones.”
CLERK: “Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance.”
T&J: “Yes, we’re brothers.”
CLERK: “Brothers? You can’t get married.”
T&J “Why not? Aren’t you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”
CLERK: “Yes, thousands. But we haven’t had any siblings. That’s incest!”
T&J: “Incest?” No, we are not gay.”
CLERK: “Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?”
T&J: “For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don’t have any other prospects.”
CLERK: “But we’re issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who’ve been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”
TIM: “Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”
JIM: “And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”
CLERK: “All right, all right. I’ll give you your license. Next.”
J&J&R&J: “Hi. We are here to get married.”
CLERK:”Names?”
J&J&R&J:”John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”
CLERK:”Who wants to marry whom?”
ALL: “We all want to marry each other.”
CLERK: “But there are four of you!”
JOHN: “That’s right. You see, we’re all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”
CLERK: “But we’ve only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”
JANE: “So you’re discriminating against bisexuals!”
CLERK: “No, it’s just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it’s just for couples.”
JOHN: “Since when are you standing on tradition?”
CLERK: “Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”
ROBERT: “Who says? There’s no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”
CLERK: “All right, all right. Next.”
DAVID: “Hello, I’d like a marriage license.”
CLERK: “In what names?”
DAVID: “David Deets.”
CLERK:”And the other man?”
DAVID: “That’s all. I want to marry myself.”
CLERK: “Marry yourself? What do you mean?”
DAVID: “Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.”
CLERK: “That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!”
Christina Miller Says: May 16th, 2004 at 9:01 pm
This is a very innovative skit! Buck, I would like your permission to perform it for my church’s congregation. I’ve doctored it up a bit, and if you want to see my version I will gladly send it to you. Please email me with your response as soon as you possibly can. We will credit you in our performance.
Billy D Says: July 28th, 2004 at 4:49 pm
I think Mr Bush is a good person, but I do not find him intelligent. Actually he has the lowest IQ of any President since they have kept these records. Do you really want an average IQ in the White House? He has NO foreign policy experience and has made most allies uneasy and even Colin Powell can’t be taken serious when he has to report to Bush? Bring back dignity and intelligence to the White House. With Clinton we at least had intelligence!
Billy D Says: July 28th, 2004 at 4:51 pm
I see you are a divider. We don’t need tastless Jokes in America now. We have one as President!
Andrew Says: July 28th, 2004 at 5:56 pm
This post is for all of the band waggoner’s out there.
Does anyone know anybody who voted for Gore in the last election who will be voting for Bush in this election? Cuz if Gore won more votes in the last election and in this election Nader won’t be as much a factor (even though the Republicans are funding %50 of his campaign). Then how does Bush expect to win? Oh yah that whole electronic ballot thing. Even Nancy Regan won’t appear at the Republican convention. I’d suggest you all jump on this wagon now so you can say you were always a fan of Democrats cuz when a party has people like Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and 12 year old Ilana Wexler it becomes obvious that a long Democratic reign is in the making. Go Cowboys, Lakers, and Yankees.
Unknown Says: July 28th, 2004 at 7:41 pm
Billy D,
you are a moron. They don’t measure the president’s IQ.
Foodsnob Says: September 15th, 2004 at 8:56 pm
Another kind of slippery slope…
FRED: Marriage license please.
CLERK: Right away. Is this your bride?
RACHEL: Yes. We’re getting married in two weeks.
CLERK: Lovely. Where is the service?
FRED: Oh, we’re having two. One in a church and one in a temple.
CLERK: Wait. You’re not both Christians?
RACHEL: No, I’m Jewish.
CLERK: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s against the law now.
FRED: What?
CLERK: Well, marriage is a Godly act, not a civil one. The government can say who can and cannot get married, so they have outlawed interfaith marriages. You know, just like the original Catholic church did.
RACHEL: But it’s 2004.
CLERK: Doesn’t matter. Marriage is based on God’s teaching. And God doesn’t want dirty Jews marrying His faithful, does he? Goodbye.
And the slippery slope continues…
JERRY: Hi, I’d like a marriage license please.
CLERK: Who are you marrying?
MONA: Me. We’re in love.
CLERK: Hmm. But ma’am, you are black. And this man is white.
MONA: So?
CLERK: We used to allow that, but the Southern Baptists petitioned the federal government, and now there’s that new pesky “Preserving the Sanctity of Race in Marriage” Amendment. Sorry youngsters. If you want jungle fever, better move to Canada.
And further…
JOE: Marriage license please?
CLERK: Are you a land-owner?
JOE: Well… I rent.
CLERK: Too bad. Come back when you own some property.
JOE: Why?
CLERK: Well, after the government passed the good ole Defense of Marriage Act it kinda got on a roll. Legislators figured out they could decide who can marry, so now only white, christian property owners get to be joined in the eyes of God. Oh, and another thing, Divorce has been outlawed.
JOE: But that’s ridiculous.
CLERK: True. But the sanctity of marriage has been preserved. Ain’t it awesome?
zoot potatoe Says: September 15th, 2004 at 9:38 pm
a brother and his sister marrying would destroy marriage too… why such a blatant joke against gays? Why was gays mentioned? is this to insult them? sad…
Steve Says: September 25th, 2004 at 1:54 am
Mr. Billy D., both Bush and Clinton graduated from top Ivy league schools (Bush, Harvard) (Clinton, Yale). Bush graduated with an A, Clinton with a C.
That guy Says: November 3rd, 2004 at 9:01 pm
which bush?
SAD DAY Says: November 3rd, 2004 at 9:43 pm
My friend said it best: ”Americans have made their bed…now its time for them to lay in it”
You wanted W Bush well now you got him…
Now most of the world is rooting for something bad to happen…its sad. But good luck…
Emory Says: November 3rd, 2004 at 11:56 pm
Perhaps it’s not that we “wanted W Bush” so much as feared F Kerry.
Mitochondrion Says: November 9th, 2004 at 1:06 am
Foodsnob’s is funnier–things are always funnier when they exaggerate real life instead of distorting it with fear. And if the original slippery slope were where things were headed, according to your logic John Kerry would’ve been elected, right? I rest my case. Thanks for the amusement, Foodsnob!
Serbian National Says: November 10th, 2004 at 2:48 pm
Boy, SAD DAY: I’ve seen a lot of mean, inconsiderate statements come from all sorts of people, but “rooting for something bad to happen”? We don’t wish bad on you folks, where ever you come from, but your attitude is “so long as it doesn’t happen to us!” Maybe you should go through a 9/11-style terrorist attack, and we’ll see how you feel. Whaddaya think about that?
Jeff Says: April 17th, 2005 at 5:03 am
So true. I couldn’t be more digusted with the butchering of a religious sacrement. Thank you!