Laugh at Liberals

SOME HELP FOR JOHN KERRY

President Bush has suffered the worst three months of his presidency, nay, any presidency….and John Kerry still can’t get any traction. So, as a civic minded person who enjoys a robust debate, I am offering my services as a campaign advisor.

GET A CAMPAIGN SONG
Kerry needs a catchy campaign song. Remember when Clinton used Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop(Thinking About Tomorrow)”. That was brilliant! My first suggestion would be “Anticipation”. That used to be the theme song for Heinz Ketchup because it took so long to get going. Fits, Huh? An alternative could be “The Way We Were” by Barbara Streisand. You know she’d let him use it royalty free and since Kerry can’t stop talking about a war that was over 30 years ago…

GO WITH THE LURCH LOOK
Come on face it. Kerry reminds you Lurch from Adams family so run with it. Have some fun. The next time Chris Matthews gives Kerry a softball question about some attack from Bush he should just do his best Lurch impersonation and go, “OhOhOhOhOhOh…” It would kill!

SHOOT AN ANIMAL ON LIVE TV
Kerry keeps saying that he’s been an avid hunter all his life in order to court the NRA vote. Okay. Prove it. Go on a hunting trip and invite Katie Couric from the Today show. Find a deer and blow the crap out of it. WAIT! THERE’S MORE! He should show Katie how to field dress it then he can score points with the meat packers union.

HAVE AN BIMBO ERUPTION
I don’t know why it worked for Clinton, but a lurid story about an intern and a ketchup bottle could just do the trick. Just think of all the jokes on late night TV. Plus, knocking off some strange might just help the old boy.

STOP SNOWBOARDING
If Kerry really wants to woo southern voters he needs to get off the slopes. We don’t do snow dude! Try something like bass fishing or softball or at the very least go to a NASCAR race.

RELISH THE “FLIP-FLOP” IMAGE
Kerry has been on every side of every issue and everybody knows it, so he should own it. The next time he does a campaign speach, he should wear flip-flop sandals. Subtle but effective. Better yet, he should paint one half of his face black and every time he’s asked a question that requires him to be on both sides of the issue, he should turn the white side to the camera first, then half way through slowly turn his head until the black side is facing the camera. At the same time talk he should start arguing the “other side” of the issue. (Hey, I’d laugh!)

FORGET THE LEFT, GO RIGHT
Kerry doesn’t need to pander to his base. They hate George Bush so much they would vote for a rock if they thought it could win. (Come to think of it, they just might.) So he should forget the issues near and dear to their heart and start pandering to the right. It may only take one big issue. For instance, if Kerry announced tomorrow that he has changed his mind on taxes and realized that John Kennedy was right, lower taxes are good for America, he’s going to get some of those swing voters.

AL SHARPTON, VICE PRESIDENT
Kerry said he wanted to be “the second black president”, (Clinton was the first, in case you didn’t know), so he should name Al Sharpton as his running mate. Hear me out on this. With Al Sharpton as your VP, NOBODY, and I mean nobody will pay any attention to anything you say, or for that matter anything Bush says. Sharpton will steal the show and if Kerry were to get elected, nobody would dare make an assasination attempt.

Hope all this helps.