An Open Letter From Osama
This was written by Mark Goldblatt and is available online at http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=MGNmYzA5NTgyNWYxNGI3N2I3NWI4ODgwMDYyYzg5N2E=
Osama Weighs In
The October surprise that’s not really any news, just a wake-up call.
By Mark Goldblatt
In the name of Allah, the merciful, the compassionate, from the servant of God, Osama Bin Laden, to the people of the United States who twice elected the tyrant George W. Bush as their president:
Wassuuuuuuuuuuuuup?
Well, baseball season is over. People think I don’t care about sports, but that’s just how the Zionist media portray me. Like I’m Mr. Holier Than Thou, Mr. Doom and Gloom. Hey, I like to kick back as much as the next sheikh. So my question to you is: Why don’t the Yankees trade A-Rod? I mean, the guy just doesn’t hit in the playoffs. I’m no expert, but I’m just saying, at a certain point you’ve got to cut your losses and face the fact that he’s not taking you where you want to go.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you’re going nowhere in this world unless you know when to cut your losses. Which leads me to the war in Iraq. By now, all sane Americans realize that the war is lost. Your own Democratic party admits it! The crusade launched by the terrorist Bush has been defeated, thanks be to God. Your soldiers are dying for no reason. Saddam never had WMDs! Trust me, I speak from experience. Ten years ago, I sent envoys to cut a deal with him. I mean, I didn’t want to cut a deal with him. Sure, he jumped on the jihadi bandwagon, but in his heart of hearts he was always a cash-and-carry guy; plus, he’s a couple of minutes short of an hourglass, if you know what I mean. Still, I figure he’s already gassed the Kurds and the Shiites, he’s got U.N. weapons inspectors running from sand dune to sand dune like Benny Hill characters, he’s got Scott Ritter looking up a camel’s butt, so I’m thinking he must have a few leftover WMDs, right? Anyway, my guys hooked up with his guys, and we had an arrangement. Very preliminary, you know, just laying the groundwork — we promised we wouldn’t work against the Iraqi government, and we might even work together down the road on weapons development. Except then it turns out, he’s got nothing. Not even a freaking stink bomb! !Nada y pues nada! What a let down!
Granted, after Zarqawi was wounded fighting the infidels in Afghanistan, Saddam stepped to the plate and let him recuperate in Baghdad. Granted, he trained a few thousand mujahedeen in camps throughout Iraq. Granted, he doled out $25,000 a hit to the families of Palestinian suicide bombers. I’ll give him his due. But by and large, Saddam was always bad news on a stick.
You think I wanted a war in Iraq? No way, Jose! I was perfectly happy with the way things were going. You know, I knock down a couple of your skyscrapers, you topple the Taliban. Shot for shot. I mean, that’s only fair. By rights, it was my move again — ooh, I was cooking up a doozey! But then the bloodthirsty mongrel Bush decides to take out Saddam.
What sense does that make?
Now, suddenly, I’ve got to drop what I’m doing and send my first stringers into Iraq. Hey, you think IEDs grow on trees? And don’t get me started on the price of car bombs. You’ve got explosives to buy, bomb makers to pay, vehicles to acquire — you know the insurance rates on rentals in Fallujah? The cheapest part of the entire operation is the martyr. Even so, you know how many martyrs blow themselves up for every one we actually get on the road? Manpower’s never the problem though. We could run the entire shebang with just Palestinians for ten years.
The point is, every dollar I have to spend in Iraq is a dollar I can’t spend . . . well, never mind. The point is that Iraq is lose-lose. You want out. I want out. But Bush, the pharaoh of this age, wants to “stay the course.” Is that an answer? Stay the course. Stay the course. C’mon, who writes his material? I hear Democratic members of Congress mocking him, I see protesters in the street calling him a war criminal, I read the New York Times, and I think to myself that sanity might at last prevail in the United States.
Americans have no idea how much is at stake in next week’s election. On one level, it’s true, nothing whatsoever is at stake because democratic government is still the rule of man over man, which is always the way of oppression, since rule rightfully belongs to Allah, to whom all praise is due, whose holy law is the only source of genuine equality for all mankind.
But that’s just theology. Let’s talk practical politics. On that level, next week’s election is indeed paramount because you, the American people, are responsible for the leaders you elect, and therefore also responsible for their decisions. You think I’m such a bad guy, a so-called “evil doer,” just because I kill innocent civilians. But is any civilian truly innocent when, as you always remind us, the American people are free to choose their own leaders? You decide who calls the shots. So I say it is you, the American people, who permit immoral acts of fornication, homosexuality, intoxicants, gambling and usury! It is you who did not sign the Kyoto Treaty as you continue to destroy nature with your industrial waste! It is you who support the Jewish oppression of Muslims in Palestine, the Indian oppression of Muslims in Kashmir, and the Russian oppression of Muslims in Chechnya. It is you who send your soldiers to oppress us around the world. You send them to Muslim lands in body armor. We’ll send them back to you in body bags.
But I digress.
Look, I don’t want to be the heavy all the time. But you elected the Zionist lapdog Bush, so what choice do I have? He’s going around now saying that the Democrats won’t do a good job protecting the American people, but I say the Democrats are the party of real national security. The Democrats understand that the right way to fight terrorism isn’t by eavesdropping on my guys’ phone calls or watching my guys’ bank accounts or locking up my guys up at Gitmo. None of it works, but, more importantly, that’s not the American way! The Democrats will fight the war on terror without all the hush-hush spying. They won’t trespass on the Bill of Rights. Bush, the liar, says the Democrats are soft on national defense, but their leaders have already pledged to “eliminate” me. What could be clearer? I sure wouldn’t want to be in my shoes if the Democrats take over Congress.
Above all, however, with Democrats in control of Congress, we can finally start discussing the i-word. You know what I mean! I hear you whispering about it, whether it’s on the table or off the table, but really you’ve got to impeach Bush! I’m telling you, that guy’s just plain cuckoo!
— Mark Goldblatt is a writer in New York.
nutslikebush Says: November 1st, 2006 at 1:44 pm
FACTCHECK: But a CIA assessment in October 2005 concluded that Hussein’s government “did not have a relationship, harbor, or turn a blind eye toward Zarqawi and his associates.” If update your premises to be consistent with some facts you may be able to form an argument that leads to truth. But as long as you continue to base your position on invalid premises, you will continue to reach misguided conclusions.
big dog Says: January 24th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
are you all there? you seem a bit drunk, or rather, on a few too many hallucinogens. only the truth will lead to our security. we must 1) not further this monolithic, anti-muslim campaign, 2) change the name of this thing to the war on al quaeda (read: liquidate each and every one of the sick bastards), and 3) deal with some of the realities of the middle-east - a reality based justice is the only solution.