Jokes
SIGNS THE ECONOMY IS REALLY, REALLY BAD!
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter
asked,”Can you afford fries with that?”
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madof scandal. Oh
Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I
called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I
told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could
drive a truck.
NEW OBAMA JOKES
America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
________________________________
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
________________________________
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
________________________________
Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The
other is for housing prisoners.
________________________________
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
________________________________
Q: What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers
STIMULI, NO…STIMULUS, YES
IF STIMULUS IS SINGULAR AND STIMULI IS PLURAL THEN THIS STIMULUS BILL IS APPROPRIATELY NAMED BECAUSE IT ONLY PROVIDES ONE STIMULUS AND THAT IS TO STIMULATE THE GROWTH OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENTS CONTROL OVER THE PEOPLE.
BEWARE THE VIRUS
IF YOU GET AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT LINE THAT READS “NUDE PICS OF SARAH PALIN” DO NOT OPEN. IT MAY CONTAIN A VIRUS.
IF YOU GET AN MAIL WITH THE SUBJECT LINE THAT READS “NUDE PICS OF HILLARY CLINTON” DO NOT OPEN. IT MAY CONTAIN NUDE PICS OF HILLARY CLINTON.
THE DEMOCRAT IN THE BALLOON
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know
where I am.’
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’
‘I am,’ replied the man. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically
correct , but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still
lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’
The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’
‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’
‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going.
You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but,
somehow, now it’s my fault.’
OBAMA FAITH MERCHANDISE
Barack Obama’s campaign is rolling out a new line of what they call “Faith Merchandise”, novelties and clothing with slogans like, Believers for Barack. Here’s a couple more slogans he should try.
What Would Obama Do?
“I’m not Jesus, but I’m the next best thing.”
Hey since these are faith based products, can I have some and he can take it on faith that I’ll pay him for it later.
TICKET’S TO MAJOR POLITICAL EVENT AVAILABLE!
I HAVE FOUR TICKETS TO A MAJOR POLITICAL EVENT IF ANYBODY WANTS THEM.
ROBBIE KNEIVEL, SON OF THE INFAMOUS EVIL KNEIVEL IS GOING TO JUMP OVER
5000 OBAMA SUPPORTERS WITH A BULLDOZER AT TEXAS STADIUM.
SHOULD BE A GOOD TIME. LET ME KNOW
Obama Campaign Buttons
Voting Obama this election? Scott at Geckotales has put together a collection of some pretty funny Obama campaign buttons. Thanks for sharing, Scott. Enjoy.
From the site:
Here are some of America’s favorite Obama 2008 campaign bumper stickers, buttons, and slogans. These are fun no matter who you support, and the scary part is that many of them are true.
THREE THINGS TO PONDOR
THREE THINGS TO PONDER
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Hussein
Hussein
Within the darkness whence he comes
Hiding the truth he daily shuns
He with his lies of evil shame
Partakes the dark oblivion
The lies he spreads, the truth undone
Whose gold, he takes, corrupt for hire
Within the game Hussein’s begun
And in the House of Hate’s Desire
Hence comes the lies paid in gold
The loudmouth lib’rals in disgrace
Accept the lies when they are told
Hussein’s for real, they must embrace
A savior now of truth and grace
Let’s buy him robe and diadem
Giving him that White House place
There will be change, it’s not a whim
Hussein’s the man, the one we need
To this we must ourselves concede
For lib’rals love to do their greed
With taxes raised to make us plead
Hussein’s the man, the one we know
With thoughts and words he won’t mislead
There’ll be no war or hateful show
Al Qaeda’s won, prepare to bleed
HOTTEST POLITICAL BUMPER STICKER THIS YEAR!
“RUN HILLARY RUN”
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
The Communistic Microcosm of Our Society
Thank you, sir, for letting it be known
I went out and joined it, all on my own
This communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
In basic training I learned to say comrade
And was taught that all capitalism was bad
In this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
After basic brainwashing I went to Monterey
Thought I had volunteered but I had no say
In this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
After Monterey they took my possessions
I got my ID card and had to do confessions
In this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
Like Stalin, my first boss was an evil dictator
I was sure we had coffee each morning together
In this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
I fought for the rights of my capitalist mommie
You know the one who made me a commie
In this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
They told me we were fighting for the free
Each time I busted one of those red chinee
For this communistic microcosm of our society
Must have been a problem with my sobriety
Now here I sit really confused about my life
Thought I was an airman so it cuts like a knife
Working for a communistic microcosm of our society
For sure it was a problem with my sobriety
Their Cosmic Glory
He knows the truth is his alone
In all its cosmic glory shown
For lib’rals hold all truth that’s known
Of human knowledge all their own
He wakes with truth upon his mind
A gift from Delphi aptly primed
A gaseous form from earth refined
Breathed in with open heart and mind
Dare show this truth with logic fail
He’ll quickly gasp and start to rail
About sacrilege and his holy grail
Of how lib’ral truth will prevail
But lib’ral truth on this our earth
Stands for dumb and evokes our mirth
It’s anchored in a lack of worth
And drips with cosmic logic dearth
It roams the hills on Delphi gas
While smoking blades of funny grass
It burns the minds of the jackass
Who believes he is higher class
So let us write and tell a joke
About these fools we now invoke
They rant and rave just to provoke
But do not like the fun we poke
(My brother only gave me a C- on this one!)
Bipartisanship
The fruits and nuts who look for strife
They lead a horrid haunted life,
Surrounded by the lies they made
Proves the truth they’ve all betrayed.
The world they want but will not see;
Is built on lies, not liberty.
They talk of love and cooperatives,
While speaking hate-filled adjectives.
These lib’ral nuts are awful folk,
Ask for proof and it will provoke,
Their hate-filled rants of Hitler Bush,
And how he’s off’d a million plus.
These wonder nuts use liars’ paint
To paint things as they really ain’t,
Spreading their lies from lip to lip
Then try to talk of bipartisanship.
The Lib’ral Fool
Lib’ral! Poor fool.
You need more school
To show how you’re so wrong;
While nought you know
Of why it’s so
You simply go along.
Such lies, such hate,
An evil state,
Remorse you never show.
No truth, no light,
Dark blight!
You really think you know.
I wish, I wish
We both could fish
And I could make you understand
That all is well
If you would tell
The truth upon demand.
QUESTIONS FROM A PLANT?
By now you’ve heard. Hillary Clinton’s staff planted a question in the audience at a recent rally…OH MY GOD! ALERT THE MEDIA…NO WAIT, THEY WON’T DO ANYTHING…CALL ALEX TREBECK….
My question is, so what? It is done by every campaign, probably every day. That is politics my friend. Put on your big girl panties and get used to it. The only mistake Hillary’s campaign made was in denying that they did it. Wouldn’t the better answer have been. “Yes, we planted the question. It is a convenient way to get important issues in front of the American people and every campaign does it…next question please…no, not from you, from the guy with the red hat and the cue cards.”
Now the girl who asked the question says they showed her a notebook that had several questions written down. The one they wanted her to ask had (college student) in parenthesis above it. I love it! All she needed was a sign that said I’M YOUR PLANT. Hey wait, that gives me an idea.
Would’nt it be interesting if the plant, was an acutal plant?
HILLARY: I want to thank you all for coming and now I’ll take your questions, yes you in the corner.
PLANT#1: Hi, my name is Phil. Phil O’dendren and I’d like you to address water quality.
HILLARY: Thanks Phil. There’s not much we can do about the water, but if you get sick I’ll make sure you get adequate health care….next question.
PLANT#2: Hi, my name is Rose. Rose Bush
CROWD: (BOO…HISS….BOO)
PLANT#3: NO….I’M NOT RELATED! Anyway, I’ve got several issues that have been a thorn in my side for some time now, but the most important issue for me is climate change. I don’t want my growing season shortened because of corporate grease.
HILLARY: I think you meant to say corporate greed.
PLANT#2: Oh, right…corporate greed. Anyway, as president, what will you do to stop global warming?
HILLARY: Well Rose, there’s nothing we can do about global warming, but if you do start to wither and die because of heat exposure, my comprehensive health care plan will ensure that your petals will stay fresh and sweet smellling as long as you live…Last question please.
PLANT#3:(sobbing)Oh..m..my God…I’m so scared…(sobbing…)
HILLARY: OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU MORONS PICKED A WEEPING WILLOW….NEXT…
PLANT#4: My name is Mary Juana and I came across the border illegally. Can I get a drivers license?
HILLARY: NEXT!…..
The Proud Liberal
There lived a lib’ral oh so proud
And a podunker man was he;
He had a love for lying loud
Loud he did and with smiling glee.
His lies were dark, wicked and mean
From deep within his wicked soul.
He spread his filth with words obscene
Sounding just like a lib’ral troll.
Such a troll is a dork enrolled
In a life deprived of the truth.
He spins a tale with Satan’s mold
And trims it with lib’ral abuse.
“I know more things than all mankind,
And I am an expert on war,
This is my word, I have defined
And anything else I’ll just ignore!”
He said the docs were real and true
But then we found they were all fake.
Fake, fake but true, he yelled anew.
So in his head the lie still was secure.
This is the joke of lib’ral rule
And podunkers who go along,
A lib’ral’s a liar and a fool
An axiom that’s never been proven wrong!
Let’s All Get This One
GREAT slogan -
If you can’t stand behind our troops,
Feel free to stand in front of them.
Oh YEAH!
